The doctor said my grandma has mild dementia, but the medication will suppress her hallucinations. So far I think her condition has improved cos she hasn’t been screaming at my neighbours for some time. I didn’t expect what was supposed to be a normal stroll around my house to be an enriching 30min for me.
I was alone at home with my grandma when she asked if I could accompany her for a walk. There were no reasons for me to refuse and so we went for our stroll, quite happily for me and very excitedly for her.
As we were walking, my grandma’s movements and words made me ponder about, well, I’m not sure either what to call it. Anyway I noticed that she was very childlike, both in actions and thoughts.
For instance, as we were climbing up a flight of stairs, she counted the steps until we reached the top. I thought I saw a smile on her face as if she took pride in her “accomplishment”. I thought to myself, I haven’t done that since I was in primary school.
As we were feeding the fishes in the pond, I realised how amazed my grandma was by the fishes, as if it was her first time seeing them. She would chuckle at every splash the fishes made, and while I would scatter a handful of fish food into pond, she would hold (using her fingers) 1 grain of food just slightly above the surface of the water, before meticulously dropping each grain of the food one by one. When I was done with all the fish food, she was still deciding which fish she should give the last grain to. While waiting, I took a closer look at the fishes, at which I found out that there were actually 2 layers of fish stacked tgt, cos all of them were swimming on top of 1 another hoping to eat. I also noticed that they stinked, but my grandma seemed to be too occupied to smell that. Upon a closer look I saw small tortoises and guppies, and before I could see more, my grandma was done feeding and wanted to walk somewhere else.
My grandma can’t walk properly, so I had to hold her hand. She cant walk fast either, so I have to constantly remind myself to walk slowly. At 1 point she suddenly bent down as she said “让奶奶抜这些草”. When I asked her why she needed the grass, she simply replied “因为好玩啰”after which she stood up and threw them back onto the ground. The route we walked could have been easily covered in a few min, but we took more than 15min. Still thinking about the tortoises, (I always thought the pond only had fishes) my grandma remarked how beautiful the flowers were. How come I’ve never since them before? I’ve probably walked that path more than a hundred times but I’ve never noticed how the leaves sway in the wind, how the dried leaves roll on the grass and tiny ants crawling through them.
During our stroll, I became aware that my mind was always wandering off somewhere else that I didn’t have the chance to appreciate my surroundings. While walking beside my grandma, I was thinking about my plans for the rest of the day or week, and I was secretly hoping she’d walk faster so I can go back and do my stuff. I also found out how vulnerable my grandma is, I would often feel that she’s losing her balance as she’d grasp my hand tighter. It used to be her holding my hand when I was young, afraid that I would venture into danger areas and get myself hurt. Now it seems however, that I’m holding her hand, looking out for her. Sometimes she would give me a blank stare, as if I’m a stranger, and I would have to tell her who I am without making her go through the trouble of recalling. Other times she would say yes to most of my questions. If I tell her about the gospel, my parents would definitely reprimand me...
By the time we reached home again, I was rather guilty of myself. I found it ironic that youngsters like me are always hurrying for time, like there’s never enough of it, while the elderly are not. Shouldn’t they have more right than us to be hastening? Furthermore, I often overlook the experience the elderly have, as if they have always been this old. Haven they also been young once, fell in love before, ran a race or acted impulsively? They too have a story to tell, but most of the time, are ousted as out-dated, old fashioned, slow etc.
I’ll never know what the inner world of my grandma is like, but when I look at her grey eyes, I can see years of knowledge, wisdom, and weariness. The day will come where I’ll be old and dreary, but i shouldn't be thinking about that now :)
what a looong post!
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