daydream

Today I told my boss that I didn’t want to continue working at the polyclinic anymore. I’ve been thinking about this for some time already and after I made that decision I felt happy :)

It was raining while I was on the bus to work this morning, the sky was heavy with varying grey clouds, and as the bus picked up speed, the view outside becomes a blur until I decided to focus my vision on the window. Countless raindrops streaked across the window, leaving wet paths behind as they scurry in a similar direction along the window pane. As some make their way hurriedly across the window, as if heading somewhere, they also leave a bit of themselves behind, but these small remaining droplets are captured by others which come along the way. Others on the other hand are too big and lazy to be bothered to move.

Usually I would be sleeping on the bus, but maybe the thought of whether to quit or continue my job kept me awake. As I listened to “Boston” on my MP3, I secretly hoped that this numbing feeling of solace and detachment from the world would last a little longer.

Wouldn’t it be great if my boss told me that I didn’t have to report to work anymore? Hopefully she’ll find a replacement soon, and then I can finally have time to do so many things before school begins. I think I would put puzzles on hold first because the cost of one is enough to buy me several books! Sometimes I think I miss out a whole lot of things when I can only read English books. My Chinese teacher once said that a book is like the essence of the author’s life, so by reading more we can quickly grasp what fifty years or more the author’s experience in a matter of weeks. Sadly I never took her words to heart until recently. I can already imagine immersing myself in books when I’m old, haha.

Speaking of which, my dad was lecturing at dinner again. Recently I find myself eating with him alone cos the rest have already eaten. So I was his only audience and it’s hard to pretend to be interested when he’s just seated across the table, more so about a topic he has brought up more than once. He said “彦阿，你以后一定要跟你的老婆讲华文，要不然你孩子的华文就完蛋了。”I find this funny that he has completely forgotten that he has told me this before, haha. Anyway I think he’s right. In my dad’s generation, speaking Chinese was deemed as low class while having a good command of English was supposedly considered superior. Now it seems our generation dislikes Chinese. He then continues to cite a few examples of his colleagues’ children who are almost monolingual and are proud to do badly in Chinese, and also the many opportunities for them to hone their English, but not so for Chinese. He said that for unknown reasons, Chinese parents are speaking English to their children; a language not native to them. Clearly these parents can speak fluent Chinese, in fact their English are often not as good. And as I reflected on his words, I see this also happening in our church.

Actually I used to talk to Huan Dao in English, but ever since Cai Xia loashi asked us why we had to switch from Chinese while talking to her, we’ve been conversing in Chinese till now, haha.

As I sat next to the window on the bus, the image of my mother teaching me to write my Chinese name suddenly occurred to me. I remember being so proud of having mastered it that I wrote it repeatedly whenever I had the chance. I would take a blank piece of paper, write my name and ask my mother if I did it correctly even though I knew it was right. Then I thought, what is it that makes me know my identity? My bio teacher said that all the cells in the body will be replaced by new ones every six months, not simultaneously though. This means that I will not be the same person that I was six months before. In fact I know that I’m not physically the same person I was when I was five, yet as I continue to age, I know that I am still me.

That is why I should be thankful that God created me in His image, that I’m not merely an animal that happened by random to emerge at the top of the food chain, and I’m able to appreciate everything He has created for man. Many would wish to have a peaceful death, but how can this happen if there is no hope after this bodily life, if death equates to an absolute end? I’m thankful, because like all Christians, 我可以含笑而逝，因知道我心中的盼望是超越死亡的局限。

The bus finally reached my destination, the doors open and I stepped back into my daily routine as I walked to the clinic.